


Cup Holders. Or, Alternatively, Porrim's Cleavage.

by dragongirl253



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adopted Children, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Preschool AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:18:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragongirl253/pseuds/dragongirl253
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Dave have tied the knot, and have now finally adopted a child. Well, not a child child, per se, but a little grub named Sollux. How will they handle the hardships of being parents? (PS: Don't mind the title, it's only weird temporarily, and for irony's sake.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cup Holders

John signed the final papers, then handed the pen over to Dave so he could sign as well. The adoption worker – Susan, was her name – slid the paper across the desk, into her grasp, and looked it over. Dave took John's hand in his as they both waited anxiously for what they'd been working towards for months now. Susan set the paper back on the desk, satisfied.  
“Well, then, congratulations. Here's your son; little Sollux Strider-Egbert,” she proclaimed, reaching out with her right hand, presenting a little grey-skinned, heterochromic-eyed, bug-shaped infant. John instantly took the child into his hands, holding him close to his chest. Dave poked the cloth wrapped around Sollux, uncovering his mustard yellow body. John poked at his new son's hair until he could feel the four pointy little nubs that were Sollux's horns.  
“You're sure this is the kid you wanted? He's sort of... A special one, to say the least,” Susan commented. “Not that it's early enough to change your mind, anyways, but-”  
“Absolutely,” John said, too elated to be offended. “He's precious,” He whispered breathlessly, looking back down at Sollux, grinning ear to ear. And precious he was, indeed. He fit in the palm of either of his fathers' hands, and, after wiggling around a bit and blinking a few times, he emitted a quiet, sort of hoarse, whiny, chirping noise.  
“Hold on,” Dave said, reaching for his pocket with one hand as he took Sollux all for himself in the other. He retrieved a pair of glasses, shaped like regular glasses, but with the lenses replaced with red and blue glass to match Sollux's eyes. Dave gently set the glasses in his hand, on top of Sollux, only to confirm John's suspicion that the glasses were twice as big as the entirety of Sollux.  
“Ugh, really, Dave?” John complained, rolling his eyes.  
“Dude, I warned you that this would be the first thing I did when we adopted him. I've been telling you for months,” Dave replied defensively, watching as Sollux curiously nibbled the frames.  
“Whatever, that doesn't make it less stupid,” John said sullenly.  
“Not stupid,” Dave corrected. “Ironic.” John sighed, then turned to kiss Dave.  
“Dave, you're my husband, and I love you, but goddamn, you are just the worst sometimes.” Susan chuckled.  
“Well, don't get too upset, there,” she said.  
“We never do,” Dave replied as if it had been rehearsed – which, to be fair, it kind of had been throughout the several month long adoption process.  
“Then it looks like Sollux is going to a good home,” she replied. Both John and Dave smiled.  
“Thanks for everything,” Dave said, reaching across the desk to hug Susan with one arm.  
“All I did was my job,” she replied, hugging John once released by Dave.  
“Keep in touch?” John asked.  
“Maybe,” she replied, “But for now, you two get out of here.”  
“Alright, cya,” Dave responded, already at the door as he held Sollux up to his face, cooing to the wriggler.  
“Bye,” John waved, grinning as he followed Dave.  
John climbed into the drivers seat of their car, shutting the door seconds before Dave sat down and shut the door on the passenger side. Dave glanced around briefly, then set Sollux in the cupholder. John sighed, exasperated.  
“Really? The cupholder?” He grumbled, scooping Sollux out of his seat.  
“Yeah. Do have have a better idea?” Dave said. John glanced around the same way Dave did, then pursed his lips defeatedly and set Sollux back in the cupholder.  
“Fine. This round, you win.” John angrily buckled his seatbelt for emphasis. Dave smirked. And reached over to ruffled John's hair.  
“Just drive, you dork.” Sollux made another chirping sound, as if amused, as the engine of the car revved.

John pulled up in front of his and Dave's house. They both unbuckled, and John picked up Sollux with one hand after he opened the door. “Come on, little guy,” John cooed, getting out of the car. John walked to the front door with Dave following after he closed both car doors. John managed to get the house key at the ready with his one free hand, but, when he went to actually unlock the door, the keys slipped out of his hand, jangling as they hit the ground.  
“Dammit,” he muttered, bending down to pick them up. Dave gently pushed John out of the way and picked the keys up himself. He unlocked and opened the door, then gestured for John to go in first. “Thanks,” John said, stepping inside.  
“Well, Sollux, here we are! This is your new home,” John declared, holding Sollux up and out. Sollux made a sort of questioning sound and inquisitively wriggled his way along John's hand, perking up at the edge of his platform to see as much as he could. However, unaware of gravity, Sollux was promptly pulled off of John's hand. Sollux squeaked acutely, and John quickly moved his other hand to catch him, panicking.  
John sighed in relief when he succeeded, and Dave, who had lunged to the rescue, held back his sigh, instead snickering as he relaxed his posture.  
“So, should we give him the grand tour?” Dave asked.  
“Nah, not right now, I don't think,” John answered, not looking up from his examination of Sollux. The wide-eyed little grub was paralyzed except for quivering for a second, but then quickly relaxed. He released a very quiet, but relatively drawn out, sound from a wide open mouth and coiled up as best as a third-of-a-ruler-long insect creature could. “I think he's ready for bed right now,” John clarified.  
“Tomorrow, then,” Dave said as John marched off towards their room. “I'll get the slime for him,” he called, receiving a nod from John in response.  
“Alright, here you go,” John murmured, mostly to himself, as he carefully transferred Sollux from the cradle of his hands to the cradle of the bottom half of an apple juice bottle lined with a tiny, chequered blanket. John idly rubbed Sollux's belly with the tip of his finger as he waited for Dave. It was only a few seconds before Dave walked in with a container of green slime. “Nice call on the apple juice bottle. It's a better fit than I expected,” John said.  
“Yeah,” Dave agreed, setting the bottle of slime on the nightstand next to the crib and taking the cap off it. “Just pour it in, yeah?” he asked, just to be sure. John nodded. Dave tipped the bottle just enough to get a medium stream of slime to trickle into Sollux's crib. It took a second for the blankets to absorb the goop, but as soon as it did, Sollux squirmed around until he was cocooned by the slime-soaked cloth. Dave put the cap back on the slime container as he and John smiled at each other.  
John and Dave, deciding that they had no reason not to go the bed, too, changed into their sleepwear without another word. John was first under the covers, but before he turned off the light, Dave whispered to Sollux, “Sweet dreams, li'l guy.” Dave turned out the light, then crawled over John to his side of the bed, falling asleep with a rare smile on his face.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, first chapter of my first au thing- DONE. got muh brotha VirenaSetiss to beta dis masterpiece. shoutouts to my bruv. ily. More on the way soon. Unless I take a year to update. I have been known to do that.


	2. Computers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shhhhoot I didn't really know where I wanted to go with this chapter. Hopefully it's still enjoyable.

_How fast are grubs supposed to grow?_

John rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed frustratedly as he glanced over the first few results provided by Google. The only ones that gave clear answers all gave different answers. Him and Dave had brought Sollux home about a week ago – making him 4 weeks old – and he'd barely grown half a centimeter. John wondered if they were doing something wrong, but Dave was probably right. It was probably nothing.

John looked up and gently nudged Sollux away from the edge of his desk. Sollux sure seemed to love computers. He insisted on spending the day on John's desk, near, and usually staring up at, his computer. On the first day John was left alone with Sollux, the wriggler started whining loudly after he woke up, alone in his parents' room, late in the morning. Naturally, John had gone to retrieve him, thinking he just didn't want to be left alone, but when Sollux had been taken away from the computer, the whining started again, and ended when he was set back in front of the screen. The same thing happened on the second day, and since the desk was clearly where Sollux was going to spend most of his time, John had used all sorts of things around the house – books, his glasses case, water bottles, or whatever else was lying around – to make a sort of fence around his desk, except for in front of his mouse and keyboard, so Sollux wouldn't crawl off.

John idly scratched Sollux's head. He hoped that the computer wasn't somehow effecting him negatively. John turned as the front door swung open to reveal that Dave was home.

"Hey, how was work?" he said routinely, turning back to the computer as Dave walked over to him.

"It was fine," he said, kissing John on the temple. "We didn't get everything we needed to get filmed today, though."

"Why not?" John asked.

"Our usual stunt guy was out so we someone else came in. Crap fight scenes, crap directing, crap management, as far as the eye can see."

"So did you go save the day?"

"Hell yeah, of course," Dave replied, smirking with pride while John grinned with amusement.

"My hero," John rolled his eyes. Dave kissed John.

"I know, I know, no need to worship me or make any offerings or anything," Dave said sarcastically. Before stepping away, Dave glanced at the computer screen. "John, Sollux is fine, stop worrying."

"I know, I know, just..." John glanced back and forth from Sollux to Dave. "I'm a parent, now, it's my job to worry about Sollux."

"And, we officially know who's the mom in this relationship," Dave said jocosely, stepping away. He flopped down onto the couch, stretching out as he turned on the TV.

John sighed, closed the browser, and left the computer to go to the screensaver for Sollux to watch. "Says the bottom..." he muttered, pulling his mouse and keyboard to the edge to become part of the little fence keeping Sollux off the ground.

Dave tore open a bag of doritos left on the coffee table earlier as John came to join him on the couch. "Hey, watch what you say around the kid," he said indifferently, stuffing a handful of chips into his mouth. John sat down next to Dave.

"Sollux can't understand language," John pointed out, taking a handful of doritos from the bag when Dave offered it to him. John settled into the couch and put his arm around Dave upon receiving no reply other than a sidelong glance. "So, what are we watching?"

"One of my movies," Dave replied.

"Oh. Of course," John said, disinterested. Dave always watched his own movies. John never really liked them, but he would still watch them for Dave's sake. He was never really sure why Dave watched them all the time; maybe because of narcissism. When asked, Dave had "refused to stop recognizing his talents until other people did it for him." Whatever that meant.

John's favorites were his earlier ones, from before he broke the habit of making things ironically crappy. An example was the one that was currently on, which was, in fact, John's favorite, maybe even the only one he actually liked and had watched of his own free will. He had helped Dave make it independently back when they had just started dating, a few months after high school. The movie had clearly been made specifically for John – it was even titled "An Ode to John."

A smile tugged at the corner of John's lips, half because of the memory of how he and Dave laughed about it for way longer than most people would've, and half because of Dave laying his head on his shoulder.


	3. Work

_Is it..._ The cursor hovered at the end of that second word as John reviewed the drop down list of his recent searches and wondered what he could ask that he hadn't already.

_Is it normal for grubs to have four horns?_ The list read. _Is it normal for a grub to have different color eyes? ___

__It had been 3 weeks since the adoption, and a week ago, Dave had left to go out of town for some on-location filming. John, meanwhile, still had a joke shop to run. Even if he didn't need to come in every day, there were days that he did. He, of course, couldn't leave Sollux home alone, but the grub wasn't enough trouble to hire a sitter for, so, naturally, Sollux accompanied John to work. And this worked out fine; Sollux never made a pest of himself, and none of the costumers minded his presence, but they had made some comments. Comments about his uniquenesses; his horns and his eyes, in particular._ _

__John had taken the comments in stride, of course; they were only dumb, casual remarks. A, "Wow, I've never seen eyes like his. Do you think he can watch 3D movies without the glasses?" here or a, "Four horns? Guess that makes him pretty – well, I suppose we can predict how he'll be spending all his free nights in the future," there, always accompanied by a smile or a giggle. But, John always thought when he looked back, what _was_ that little extra something else in their voice? Was it just surprise? Could it be disgust, disappointment, uneasiness, what? Probably not even Sollux himself would ever be as self-conscious about it as John was, and Google did not help with that issue._ _

__Every result yielded the same answer: _YOUR GRUB IS A MUTANT._ But John was determined to believe that Sollux wasn't a mutant. That if he wasn't "normal," then he was just blessed with some of the most uncommon, coolest features out there. Even in the moments where John had succumbed to the fact that Sollux was an anomaly of one sort or another, he refused to believe that it wasn't a good thing, or that it was a big deal in any sense of the term._ _

__Sollux was nothing short of perfect, John reminded himself by rubbing Sollux's squishy belly with his fingertip. Sollux, awaking from his sleep, opened his mouth before his eyes to release a drawn out squeak as he slowly curled up around John's finger. Sollux clamped his jaw and purred as he completed the maneuver. John smiled, his obsessive worries fading away, being pushed somewhere else, upon looking at his son._ _

__Sollux was healthy and bright-eyed, which was affirmed as he peeled his eyes open to gaze blearily upon the world. His unflawed face was radiant with wonder, and vulnerability, and potential, and that's what was important; that's what was Sollux. John stuck a finger from his other hand into Sollux's crib to pry him from his bed into John's hand. Sollux would soon be too big to sleep in the apple juice bottle, especially now that he'd finally grown at least half-a-thumb bigger in the past two weeks._ _

__"Good morning, Solshine," John murmured, pulling Sollux in close to his chest. Sollux yawned and blinked groggily at John. John snorted in amusement, then glanced at the time in the bottom corner of the screen. 11:48 AM. "10 more minutes, and it would've been 'good afternoon,' sleepyhead," John explained just for the sake of interacting with Sollux. Sollux clicked at John, a sound he still hadn't been able to accurately draw meaning from, and squirmed around a bit. "I think it's about time for lunch." John left the living room and headed to the room adjacent as he spoke._ _

__Sollux clung to John's sleeve at his wrist as John scoured the kitchen for something that required little to no preparation. John browsed the fridge, idly "hm"ing to himself, and Sollux seemed to try to imitate him. Alas, they found nothing. They did, however, hear a car pull into the garage. Dave was finally home. John abruptly looked up from the fridge and smiled widely, and Sollux chirped, figuring he was supposed to be excited. John slammed the fridge door shut and plucked Sollux from his sweater sleeve to save him from being jostled off as John dashed to and through the front door to meet Dave on the front lawn._ _

__John indiscriminately leaped into Dave's arms and happily and playfully kissed him, like a total dork. Dave, without hesitation, dropped his luggage to return John's hug as well as to keep himself from being knocked over by it. The couples' lips soon separated, and Dave sarcastically rolled his eyes and sighed, pretending like this was some big chore or something, like he always did. After the fleeting moment had passed, Dave let John down to stand on his own feet and briefly put a few feet between them as he gathered his bearings._ _

__"Well, someone's excited to see me." Dave gave John a pithy, controlled kiss just to make sure those were still possible._ _

__"It gets lonely without you," John replied. "And sincere. The irony's been draining out of the house in your absence."_ _

__"I've been gone for a week," Dave said, half deadpan, half sarcastically exasperated._ _

__"Sollux missed you, too," John continued._ _

__"Oh, yeah. Where is he?" Dave wondered, sliding his hands into his pockets and glancing around a little. John held out his hand, opening his fingers to present Sollux to Dave. Sollux stood up in the way that grubs do and squeaked and chirped excitedly. "Geez, go ahead and almost crush the guy, why not?" Dave muttered at John as he allowed Sollux to crawl into his hand. John rolled his eyes._ _

__Dave raised Sollux up to his face. "Hey, buddy. Word on the street's that you missed your cool dad." Sollux headbutted the tip of Dave's nose and purred in response. Dave flinched away from Sollux's horns poking into him and chuckled as he pulled Sollux away a little. "Yeah, I know the feeling. It's hard to be subjected to this dorkiness for too long," Dave said in the emotionless voice of snark that had become far less common since he became an adult. "Especially in your situation. Guy's probably been acting all maternal at you like, feeding you dumb baby food and being all, 'Sollux, careful, don't fall off the desk,' and stuff. Pretty dumb, huh? You're not an idiot, right?"_ _

__Sollux stared blankly at Dave, and Dave looked at John, who looked back at Dave, arms crossed, not quite disapprovingly, but on the verge of rolling his eyes or pursing his lips or something of the like. Dave awkwardly cleared his throat. "See, John? Kid's not an idiot." John grinned and ran his hand over Dave's hair._ _

__"I think I know who is, though," John sighed, turning to head inside. "Come on, we were just about to have lunch." John took Sollux from Dave to free up his hands for luggage and they both trudged inside._ _

__"I have this hotdog I got on the ride home, could Sollux eat that?" Dave asked, reacclimating to the layout of the house as he walked in, dumping his bags on the floor halfway between the door and the stairs._ _

__"I guess, but only without the bun," John called back from the kitchen. "Sollux puked the last time we tried to feed him bread, remember?" Dave mumbled to himself mocking his forgetfulness as he picked up a fast food bag from among the pile of luggage. Dave got the hotdog out of the bag and got it unstuck from the bun as he strolled into the kitchen, where John had resumed his quest for lunch, now venturing into the depths of one of the cupboards. John's attention was drawn away only as Dave walked up behind him and put his arm over John's as he reached to give Sollux his lunch. Sollux eagerly grabbed it with one of his legs and began eating in bites almost too big for his relatively small mouth._ _

__John turned to Dave as Dave closed the cupboard. "I'll make us grilled cheese or something." Dave kissed John on the cheek and guided him out of the kitchen with a hand on his shoulder. John lazily complied._ _

__"Alright. Thanks," John said._ _

__"Yeah. You should thank me harder, you're lucky to have me," Dave replied, grabbing four slices of bread, then tossing the bag of bread back on the counter after twisting it shut._ _

__"I know," John scoffed, grinning and almost tripping over Dave's bags as he entered the living room. John nudged the pile out of the way (to little avail) before continuing over to the couch, where he set Sollux on the coffee table as he sat down. It was only a few more seconds before John heard the microwave turn on as Dave presumably put in the soon-to-be grilled cheese to "cook."_ _

__John put his feet up on the table as Dave walked in with two paper plates, a grilled cheese on each. He strode to the couch and deposited the food on the table. "Bon apetite," Dave commented. His eyes moving a little bit to the side, Dave nearly shrieked as he saw nothing something moving on the table._ _

__"John, there's a bee on the table!" Dave yelped, jumping back, disappointed that the hot plate he just dropped didn't crush the insect. John laughed at Dave's reaction as his husband resisted the urge to press himself against the wall to get away. "Don't laugh, kill it!" Dave commanded. "Sollux, NO!" he went on, reaching towards the table as Sollux curiously approached the creature._ _

__"Dave, calm down, it's just a bee," John reminded him, picking up a napkin to squish the bee with. As if sensing John's intents, the bee took off just in time to avoid being crushed. While John gave up right then and there, Sollux stared up at the in-flight insect. His eyes seeming to glow a bit brighter than usual._ _

__The bee suddenly just froze and fell to table. It was still twitching too much to be dead, so John came to the conclusion that it was asleep as he nudged it with the napkin wrapped around his finger. Dave sighed and smoothed his hair back. John stared at Sollux peculiarly and Dave reapproached the scene, trying to act cool as he stuffed a bite of grilled cheese into his mouth._ _

__"Ih 'at norral?" Dave said through a full mouth, gesturing towards Sollux._ _

__"Has anything about Sollux been normal so far?" John replied, his gaze not leaving the grub._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Sorry this one took so long. Long enough that my writing style changed some... You know, this is how I start not updating. This is how it started with my Portal fic, and that crap hasn't updated in a year. If I'm taking a while to update, feel free - feel encouraged to nag me about it.


	4. Shopping

_when do grubs start getting psychic powers_

Dave leaned back in the chair for a second while the page loaded. John glanced back at Sollux, who was still investigating the bee.

"What do you mean, 'Has anything about Sollux been normal'?" Dave asked, his eyes scanning the computer screen.

"Really?" retorted John. "Haven't you noticed? He has two sets of horns, a different color in each eye – neither of them are his blood color, by the way – not to mention that he was adopted by a human gay couple rather than a lusus. And now psychic powers when he's only 6 weeks old?" John crossed his arms. "You need to spend more time with your son."

Dave turned his head to face John. "So, what, you're basically saying Sollux is a weirdo?" John wrinkled his nose. "We're weirdoes." Neither of the pair made a sound for a second. Dave flattened his lips by pulling back the corner of his mouth. He kissed John then turned back to the computer, clicking the first search result. "Alright, it says that trolls normally don't start showing signs of psychic abilities until pupation, although it may rarely start a few weeks before that," Dave read.

"Yeah, in the case of high bloods having the powers," John pointed out.

"Well, whatever," Dave took advantage of the chair to spin around, nearly knocking John over. "So what if he can put bees to sleep? Tons of lowbloods have abilities like that, Sollux is just getting his a little early." Dave rolled the chair up to the back of the couch, then threw himself over it, landing on the cushions with a fwomp. He scooped up Sollux, hesitating for a second to put his bare arm anywhere near the bee. Dave layed Sollux down on his chest, cooing at him and tickling him.

"What are you doing?" John asked disdainfully. "Are we just done talking about this?"

"Hey, you literally just said that I need to spend more time with Sollux, so that's what I'm trying to do. What else am I supposed to do with a grub? Unless you suddenly changed your mind or something," Dave explained deliberately.

John sighed. "Yeah, I guess," Dave looked from Sollux to John. "You spend so much time at work," John whined, draping his arms over the back of the couch so that his hands dangled on Dave's face. Dave lazily nuzzled John's hands, moving like an animal may shake its head to rid itself of something stuck to its nose. "Why can't you get more time off?" John leaned in a way that let his hands fall to Dave's shoulders. Dave put one of his hands over John's.

"We're just about done filming, so after that it's pretty much all editing and stuff, so that doesn't take too much of my involvement. After that, I'm pretty much done," Dave reassured John.

"Yeah, but then you start another movie." John walked around to the front of the couch. Dave pulled his legs closer to him to make room for John to sit. "How do you stand working so much? I get sick of my job after, like, 4 hours. I can only imagine what 20 hour days must be like," John said, looking at Dave with a hint of admiration in his eyes. Dave chuckled.

"Well, I spend most of the day ordering people around, goofing off, and watching other people goof off," Dave explained.

"Still. It's gotta be hard to be a film producer; just putting so much time and effort into the job and everything."

Dave stretched his legs out over John's lap. "Brings home decent pay, at least. And it's what I love doing."

"Yeah, I guess. You get to travel sometimes, too. By the way, how were the Great Lakes?"

"Wet," Dave replied bluntly. "Fresh."

"Did you get to swim?" John reached for his sandwich, still on the coffee table.

"Yeah," Dave wrinkled his nose. "It was cold."

John snickered and swallowed a bite of grilled cheese. "You got any more adjectives, or are you ready to describe your actual experience?"

"What can I say." Dave shrugged. "They were lakes." Dave mimicked John in resuming his meal. There was a long silence as the pair of them quickly finished their sandwiches. Dave crossed his legs as he finished.

"So what do we do about Sollux's early psychic-ness?" he asked, knowing John was reluctant yet eager to bring the subject back up. "Should we try to train it or something?" John shrugged.

"I have no idea. It's not like I've raised a telekinetic bug-child before," John replied. "We could try. You probably know a thing or two about teaching babies to do cool things." When Dave responded with a slightly confused look, John meekly added, "You know... Because of how your Bro raised you? Maybe?"

"Oh, right," Dave replied. "But, nah, I don't remember any of that. At least not enough to teach Sollux to use the Force or whatever."

"Oh." The sound came lazily out of John's mouth.

"So..." Dave trailed for a second, not sure if there was anything left to say for the time being. "Speaking of all this, I guess I agree that I don't really spend enough time with Sollux."

"It's fine. You try," John injected into Dave's short pause.

"Yeah, whatever, but I just mean... I should probably try harder? Like, is there anything we could do right now, maybe?" Dave asked cautiously. John took a long breath as he tried to think of something.

"Well... Sollux is getting a little big for the apple juice bottle he sleeps in-"

"Aw, already?" Dave interrupted, looking down at Sollux. John nodded.

"We should probably get him some kind of crib or something, so I guess it wouldn't hurt to go shopping for that now," John rubbed his forehead as he spoke, almost certain that his idea was a dumb one.

"Sure, sounds great," Dave quickly replied, grabbing Sollux so he didn't tumble to the ground as Dave turned to sit up and lean forward. Sollux let out a startled peep at the sudden movement and John perked up a little, turning, surprised, to Dave with a slightly furrowed brow.

"Really?" John said suspiciously. "You're not too cool to go out shopping for baby stuff?" Dave was already on his feet midway through John's sentence. He shrugged before responding.

"I've got a kid with me. If things get intense, I'll just act like I don't wanna be there and I'm being held captive by my dear, sweet, wife," Dave stopped to clarify that he meant John, who had just stood up, by hugging him around his neck, pulling the sides of their heads together as he grinned like a fool. "No one will be the wiser," he added as John couldn't help but subject to Dave's rare enthusiasm.

"Alright then," John said, causing Dave to release him. Dave walked to the little stand by the door, retrieving the keys out of the bowl they were usually housed in. Dave abruptly rose Sollux to his shoulder, setting him there, eliciting a chirp from the grub as Dave jerked the door open.

"Let's go," Dave said, stepping out the door with John closely behind him.

"How 'bout this one?" John pointed to a crib on display. It was white and basic and clearly made for a human baby. Dave frowned.

"Nah, it's way too big for Sollux," he said, immediately going back to scanning the rows of infant furniture. John hummed and glanced over what Dave had already searched.

"There's gotta be some sort of cocoon or something for troll babies," John mumbled.

"I know, right. I had no idea that shopping could be so hard," Dave agreed, running his hand over his hair and letting it linger for a minute on the back of his neck. Sollux, still on Dave's shoulder, reminded Dave of his presence by curiously nipping at his fingers. Dave reacted by turning to look at Sollux with a small smile as he wiggled his fingers in front of Sollux to give him something to do.

After only a second, Dave and John's attention was drawn away by the sound of footsteps coming down the aisle, which they quickly identified as a store worker. Dave let his hand fall back to his side and returned to a standing position from the sort of crouch he had assumed to see the lower rows of to store shelves. John, at the same time, practically lunged at the employee, leaving his hand frozen a few inches away from her shoulder.

"Hi, are you finding everything you need?" she asked apathetically, looking over the trio.

"Uh, not really," John said, pulling his hand back to himself and glancing around as a way of squirming under the worker's scrutinizing gaze. He swallowed before continuing. "Do you know where we could find grub-sized recuperacoons?"

She bit her tongue, looking impatient. "Usually a troll's lusus makes one for them." Dave stood up a little taller and took a step towards her.

"Yeah, well, I think it's pretty obvious that Sollux isn't being raised by a giant monster, don't you?" he said assertively.

"That's not my problem," the employee huffed, moving to storm away. "It's your fault that people like you can't just let these trolls have a normal life," she added using hushed tone, but still obviously meaning for John and Dave to hear. Dave scoffed aggressively.

"Rude," Dave hissed, quietly flipping her off from his hip. Sollux, sensing his parents' frustrations, fixated on a loose piece of paper at the edge of the top of the shelf. He tapped into his psychic powers, noticable by a slight red and blue glow around the paper, and brushed it onto the floor, into the worker's path. Her foot came down perfectly on it, and she stumbled, barely avoiding hitting the floor face first by grabbing the shelf. She growled, briefly glancing back at them, before stomping away with renewed vigor.

John and Dave snickered and grinned like middle schoolers, looking to each other and then to Sollux. Dave picked Sollux up from his shoulder and held him out in front of him.

"Think Sollux did that?" John asked.

"Hell yeah, who else could've?" Dave answered, ruffling Sollux's tiny puff of hair with his index finger. "Nice job, kid." Sollux responded with a happy squeak.

"So, wanna find a manager and make a scene about this?" John asked.

"Well, duh, of course I do," Dave replied, shifting Sollux into only one hand and pinning him to his chest before striding forward, a finger of his free hand trailing along the rows of things on display. Only a few steps later, a rap song with lyrics too fast to distinguish played from Dave's pocket. John sighed and put his hand over his face. Dave reached into his pocket, taking out his phone and staring at the screen for a second before sighing and answering the call.

"Hey," he answered, bringing the phone up to his ear. "Yeah. Alright," He responded to a voice indistinguishable to John. "I'm sorta busy right now, though, can I – yeah. Yeah, I know, I've been doing this for almost 10 years, I know how it works." Dave clicked his tongue. "Alright. I said alright! I just need to get home. Bye." Dave ended the call.

"Who was it?" John asked as Dave returned his phone to his pocket. He frustratedly handed Sollux to John.

"My special effects guy. We need to get home so that I can approve of and help out with some stuff," Dave answered, sulking and continuing forward.

"What? Right now? But-" John protested, cutting himself off more than Dave cut him off.

"I know, you heard me tell him I'm busy! We have deadlines to meet, and this needs to get done before some of the other people can start doing anything," Dave regretfully snapped back, not slowing down to talk.

"Aren't you in charge of the production, though? Can't you set your own deadlines?" John trotted after Dave, whining the words.

"Not this far along in the process, and not with a co-director." John sighed at Dave's response, causing him to duck his head a little with guilt. "Sorry, John." John pursed his lips.

"Whatever."

As soon as John parked, Dave leaped out of the car, into the house, and John lagged behind him. He darted to the computer as John flopped onto the couch and flipped on the TV. Almost instantly, before even putting his headset on, Dave answered a Skype call from the person who had called him earlier. "Are you ready yet?" the person asked, their voice slightly distorted by being transmitted over the internet.

"Jesus christ, dude, learn some patience. I just got home," Dave retorted. "It's starting up. Gimme a second." Faint sounds of the man on the other line tapping his fingers impatiently on his desk came through the speakers. Dave frustratedly sighed, and a second passed before another sound decided to make its appearance. "Alright, it's open, what did you want me to do?"

Dave worked for about an hour without a single word to or from John as he remained occupied by the person on the end of the Skype call. Uncounted approvals and modifications and a couple of arguments later, he was finally set free. Exchanging farewells with his employee, Dave looked back towards John and took off his headset. With a sigh, he opened the internet browser and slowly typed in the search bar:

_how to balance work and family_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I feel that the ending seems a bit... forced, I guess? But, other than that, I'm rather pleased with this chapter and feel like it taking almost 2 weeks to write was justified.*cough*especiallywiththesupernaturalfinalelastweek*cough* Also, disclaimer, I don't know anything about the film industry, so... Sorry for my ignorance, I suppose.


	5. Education Plans

_when do grubs pupate_

_Click._

_"Grubs tend to pupate between 16 and 24 weeks of age, usually depending on blood caste and gender. Females generally pupate the earliest, and grubs tend to pupate earlier as the hemospectrum is climbed, until seadwelling castes are reached."_

"Dave, are you ready yet?" John called as he progressed down the stairs. Dave glanced in the direction of his partner's voice, then back at the computer, closing the window with a sigh.

"Yeah," he called back, turning again in John's direction as he came into view. John smiled at Dave and approached him before he got up. Dave's husband put his arms around Dave's shoulders and kissed him softly and lovingly.

"I'm still really glad you're off work," John lilted. Dave smirked and put his hand on the other's arm.

"I know, you've only said it, like – twenty million times," he sighed with secret content. "After all, if I were still working right now, you wouldn't have been able to drag me out to tour a preschool right now," he added, rolling his eyes. John unhanded Dave and took a seat behind him on the back of the couch.

"Don't be like that," John said. Dave snorted and spun the desk chair around, looking over him.

"Why are we even sending Sollux to a private preschool anyways?" he questioned.

"Because most public preschools are for human children only," John explained for the umpteenth time that week.

"Wow," Dave sarcastically replied, "I had no idea people could be so racist. This is terrible,"

"They say it's because of trolls' weird aging or something?" John said, straining to remember the reasoning behind the restrictions.

"Whatever," Dave said apathetically. "You'd best go get Sollux, then, unless its time for baby's first time home alone," he went on, nodding towards the stairs. John agreed and slid out of his seat and onto his feet.

John trotted up the stairs and into to second door on the left of the hallway: the bedroom shared by all 3 of the house's residents. Sollux was peeking over the top of his miniature recuperacoon, (which one of Dave's coworkers had been nice enough to make for them) holding himself up by clinging to the edge of it with his two front legs. Sollux peeped at John as he approached. John scooped Sollux out of the slimy cocoon, careful not to drop him as he flicked the slime off each of his hands one at a time.

"Geez Sollux, you're getting too big to be carried, you need to learn to walk on your own soon," John said jokingly, eliciting an almost laugh-like chirp from Sollux. Although, despite being a joke, the statement still held true. It had been just about 10 weeks after Sollux's psychic powers were discovered, and Sollux had reached the length of John's hand measured from fingertip to wrist, barely too big to hold in one hand anymore. And on top of that, he seemed to be developing some intelligence, too.

John thought it was pretty funny that Dave, the one who mocked John for worrying about Sollux's growth only a month or two ago, was now stressing over when Sollux was gonna pupate. Then again, knowing Dave, he probably did it specifically for the irony.

"Alright, I have him," John deliberately displayed Sollux to Dave as he reached the bottom of the stairs, "We're ready to go now."

"Alright, I'm coming," Dave replied in an equally deliberate tone as he got up, and headed to the door alongside John.

John opened the door to the preschool just a crack, peeking in to see several trolls holding their grubs lined up in a messy, but still single file line across the room. He swung it open the rest of the way and stepped inside, clutching Sollux self-consciously to his chest as most people in the room turned to glance at him. John took a spot at the end of the line closest to the door, and Dave followed suit.

"Here for the tour, I presume?" asked an exceedingly feminine troll standing in the front of the room.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," John answered, absentmindedly at first as he tore his attention away from counting and inspecting the trolls in the line. After concluding the count at eight trolls, some with pupated trolls but most with grubs, he looked to the speaker. Despite having several facial piercings, as well as tattoos all over her arms and chest, revealed by her low-cut tank top, she still had a motherly air about her, helped by a tiny troll child standing at her feet, clinging to her skirt, and a bright red grub cradled in her arms.

"Well, you just barely made it," she said, then turning to the small crowd. "So, then, introductions. I'm Porrim Maryam, I own and run the place. I usually work with – hang on, he's not out here right now," she explained, twisting her neck around to look towards the back of the building. "KANNY! GET THE HELL OUT HERE!" Glancing sidelong at her visitors, some of whom furrowed a brow at her behavior and language, and flashed a smile at them; not a "Sorry for the inconvenience, please just pretend you didn't see this," kind of smile, but an almost proud one.

"I've asked you not to call me Kanny." A troll emerged from the doorway at which Porrim had shouted, smoothing his bright red sweater as he entered. Porrim sighed.

"Right, sorry," she replied insincerely before turning back to the gathering and clearing her throat for effect. "So, this is my moirail and co-worker, Kankri Vantas. He mostly teaches and enforces rules-"

"I'm quite unskilled in the department of interacting with children on a personal level," Kankri interjected.

"Kanny," Porrim scolded, nudging Kankri's ribs with her shoulder. He hissed at the touch.

"Don't touch me! You know full well that being touched is one of my triggers and yet you continue to do it on a daily basis. If it was only this once, it could possibly be forgiven as an ignorant mistake, but since that is not the case, you should be ashamed of yourself," Kankri spoke quickly enough that Porrim seemed to be the only one able to fully understand him. As Porrim stood with one hand over her face in frustration, Kankri paused, taking a deep breath and looking over Porrim with exaggerated motion. "Besides, if they have the right to know what you look like... _half naked,_ then they have the right to know my abilities as a care-taker."

Porrim opened her mouth, baring a pair of fangs only slightly differing from normal troll fangs, to hiss at Kankri. Kankri crossed his arms, standing his ground and glaring back. Porrim growled in a more common manner, suddenly reaching behind a desk she stood next to and retrieving a jacket as she set down the red grub. She angrily shoved her arms through the sleeves one at a time, then buttoned it up. Kankri shifted from a demanding posture to an arrogant one as Porrim glared at him as if to say, "There. Happy?" in a very aggressive tone of voice.

Porrim cleared her throat and stood up straight as she reclaimed the red grub. "Sorry for that... Outburst," she said, sending one last accusatory glare Kankri's way. "So, yeah, this is Kankri. This," she looked to the troll at her feet, "is Kanaya, my descendant. She'll be your child's classmate if they come here, as will Kankri's descendant, Karkat." She indicated the red grub. "Anyways, unless you'd like to socialize with each other after the tour, I think that's enough for introductions."

Porrim opened the only other door on the back wall, allowing Kankri to step through before she did. She gestured the visitors inside as she began speaking again. "So, this is where the wrigglers will spend most of their time, and do most of their learning and socializing..." As Porrim kept talking, Dave wandered over to the other side of the room, following a path behind the other parents until he reached the one familiar to him. John watched Dave go for a few steps before deciding to go with him.

"Hey, Latula." Dave greeted quietly. Latula mumbled a hello back. "I'm guessing that's Terezi?" Dave questioned after a pause, pointing to the young troll at Latula's side.

"Yeah," she replied, looking over Dave's shoulder at John. "That Sollux?"

"Yup," John replied as Latula approached him.

"Whoa, his eyes are rad," she commented, then turning her attention to John. "And you're John?" John nodded, putting out a hand for Latula to shake, being met instead with a high-five. "Dave talked about you a lot,"

"No I didn't," Dave quickly interrupted.

"What, you don't actually think your husband's rad? Lame," Latula said, rolling her eyes. Before Dave could think of how to respond, she went on, playfully punching him in the shoulder. "Come on, Dave, I've been your stunt director for, like, a ton of movies, we're chill."

"Whatever, you're still giving away all my secrets to John," Dave said with irritated indifference. Dave was alerted of the crowd moving to a new room mainly by a purple seadweller grub screeching at Sollux, and Sollux screeching back, as it was carried past. Dave, John, and Latula went along with the crowd.

"So, this room is where the wrigglers have nap time, snack time, and story time..." The trio caught Porrim saying during a pause in their conversation.

"So, think Terezi's gonna go here?" John asked. Latula shrugged.

"Yeah. Probably. It's too hard to find nearby troll schools, and I know Porrim pretty well, so..."

"Yeah. Sollux is probably going here, unless we're gonna try to get him accepted into a public-" Dave started back.

"We haven't decided anything yet," John interrupted. Dave felt glowering unworthy of the effort, glad that at least Sollux's education wasn't his responsibility. John was always far better than he was at keeping track of that kind of stuff. "But, yeah, probably going here," John added.

"...Over there are the bathrooms," Porrim said, pointing to a small side room just after Dave's, John's, and Latula's conversation fell silent. "And out there is the playground," Porrim walked towards a set of sliding doors, herding the crowd along.

Outside was a fairly vast space, drenched with shade and fully enclosed by a rod iron fence. In the middle was a simple playground, with the obligatory slide, ladder, stairs, pole, and monkey bars. Off to the side was a dome-shaped jungle gym, a swing set with two swings, and a sandbox.

"Mommy," Terezi tugged on Latula's arm, pointing to a seesaw that John and Dave hadn't noticed. "That's gonna be the scales of justice. That's," she pointed to the monkey bars, "gonna be the gallows," Latula kneeled in front of Terezi with a look that reminded her not to talk like that in public.

"That's rad, but let's not get ahead of ourselves," Latula said before standing up to be met with John and Dave frowning at her. "What? You know how kids are."

"Not really, actually, because our kid," Dave grabbed Sollux from John, and held the grub out in front of him. "Is still an insect creature, and generally doesn't talk about hanging people." As Dave turned Sollux to face him, Sollux cooed and left his forked tongue dangling out of his mouth. "A very adorable insect creature," Dave added, nudging Sollux's tongue back into his mouth, "but an insect creature nonetheless."

"So, obviously, the wrigglers will be supervised while out here. Generally, if the wrigglers are advanced enough to get somewhere where they can get injured, they're advanced enough to avoid injury. Of course, we still hold their safety as top priority, and we take into account the threat of other wrigglers, especially since some of them will be exploring their psychic talents," Porrim concluded as the trio turned their attention back to her. "Any questions?" A winged troll with large horns's hand shot up, and he was called on within a second.

"So, if I understand correctly, it's just you and Kankri working here? No-one else?" he asked.

"That would be correct. We sometimes hire janitors if we get a group of especially messy wrigglers, but class sizes are generally small enough for the two of us to manage. And just in case, we limit our classes to 13 wrigglers. Any other questions?" No more hands went up. "Alright then. You all can look around some more if you want, and if you wanna enroll, you can find forms in the front most room." Most of the parents chattered amongst themselves for a few more moments before heading back inside, presumably to the front office for the enrollment forms. "If you enroll, then somehow find and get accepted to another school before school starts, then feel free to unenroll; there's no penalties," Porrim called out in the meantime. Soon afterward, Latula, with her mustard-blooded matesprit, Mituna, and Terezi in hand, headed inside as well. Dave looked to John expectantly.

"Well, it seems like a pretty decent place, so..." John said slowly, looking around and scratching the back of his head. "I guess Sollux is going here, unless we manage to find somewhere else."

"Alright, then." Dave lead the way inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dragongirl253 walks slowly onto the deck of the decorative nautical vessel with many names: "HammerTime," "PepsiCola," and "JohnDave," most commonly. Each step she takes is heavy, and she travels slumped over, with rampant bedhead and dark circles under her eyes. In one hand, 3 papers are tightly clutched; each has printed on it about 700 words of her contribution to the ship. She reads over her writing for the last time before she releases it to the public, massaging her brow as she subjects herself to her own hamhandedness. She pauses, strongly considering waiting another day or two until she's able to write better before posting it, but only 5 feet from her face is a calendar pinned to the mast of ship, reminding her that it's been 2 weeks since the last update.
> 
> Groaning, she looks from the calendar to the papers in her hand. She bites her lip and remembers what happened to her last fanfiction when she decided that procrastination was justifiable. Briefly, she mourns her last work, "GLaDOS's Golden Sphere," which was only one chapter short of completion, but had gone 6 months between the last few chapters, and would probably lie dormant for a whole year before the final one. Even her memory of that one was faint, and with one last glance at the new attempt at a successful serial work in her hand, she committs to protecting it from that fate, even if it means allowing her readers to witness some of the worst of what she has to offer.
> 
> Looking straight ahead to her destination, Dragongirl253 straightens her posture and marches below deck, where fanfiction and fanart is plastered to the ship's interior. Looking around for a moment, she locates her own work. Luckily, most of its regular readers are currently off somewhere else, reading something else. She scurries over to her spot on the hull, holding the previous pages of her work out of the way as she attaches the fifth chapter under them, sighing and very nearly cringing as she caught sight of the words, "'Geez Sollux, you're getting too big to be carried, you need to learn to walk on your own soon,' John said jokingly," wondering how she possibly could've thought that that was reasonable, necessary, and/or acceptable dialog. She swallows her reluctance and posts it anyways, reminding herself that unless she has a replacement for that line already prepared, it's too late to change it.
> 
> She takes her hands off of the fanfiction and takes a step back, more observing her "accomplishment" than admiring it. Her eyes dart from one side of the room to the other before she charges her work, determined to at least try to explain herself with what starts out as a short author's note before anyone can read this new chapter. Her note quickly fills over half a page before she's satisfied, before she takes a jerky step away from her finished work, resisting the urge to rip it from the wall and spending another 10 days mostly procrastinating, but also rewriting the chapter from the ground up.
> 
> Before she can bring herself to finally just walk away, Dragongirl253 smacks herself in the face, realizing that she's somehow written a better narrative in her author's note than in her actual work. She swallows hard, trying to bring stress-induced apathy upon herself.
> 
> _Okay, whatever,_ She thinks to herself, throwing her hands carelessly in the air as she spins 180 degrees. _F*** it, just f*** it I don't give a s**t, this is as good as it's getting!_ She stomps outside, reminding herself that now that summer break is here, she'll have more time to write and less reason to procrastinate, and if the chapter honestly can be improved, she can just edit it later. Calming herself on this issue, she then moves on to her next dilemma: To write a chapter of Sollux pupating, or to go directly to what was going to be chapter 7, which follows Sollux's first day of preschool.
> 
> _I think that pupation is a major milestone for the Strider-Egbert family,_ she debates to herself, _but then again, what exactly do I write about? It's just Sollux in a cocoon for a few days... Plus, I really only have inspiration and motivation for writing the preschool chapter... Maybe I could write and post the preschool chapter first and then put in the pupation chapter between this last chapter and the preschool chapter? Perhaps I should ask the readers in my author's note..._ She glances back at the ship she just unboarded, making a face as she decides that being around freshly posted chapters is bad for her mental health.
> 
> PS: dear god my a/n is about a quarter of the word count im so sorry
> 
> Also I should probably explain that I've decided that in this universe, all Beta characters are adults and all Alpha characters are babies.


	6. Cocoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: The first half of this chapter is smut. If you don't want that, go ahead and skip it. No hard feelings. If that is what you're here for, then I'm glad I could aid you in your search.  
> In an effort to help people who wanna skip it, the first line of non-smut is "John and Dave spent the next day or two making preparations for transitioning from caring for a grub to caring for an alien toddler." You could prolly ctrl-f that.

_How does pupation work?_  
 _how long does pupation take_  
 _how to take care of a pupating wriggler_  
Most of John's and Dave's questions were just passive queries, but there was no reason not to Google them anyways. They had, as a result, learned that pupation takes a little under a week, and during that time, no care needed to be provided to the grub. So, John and Dave got to have a projected 5 or 6 days all to themselves.  
John threw himself down on the couch, cursing under his breath as he quickly raised a hand in a futile attempt to keep a few drops of wine from spilling over the side of his glass. “Hey, careful, that's the expensive stuff,” Dave reminded him, taking a sip from his own glass.  
“Yeah, I know...” John grumbled. “Why did we even get the expensive wine?” Dave looked at John imperviously, unable to provide an answer. “Is not taking care of our child for a week really a reason to blow all our savings on wine that neither of us even like?” John asked, twirling his glass.  
“Yes,” Dave replied. “Cheers to parental negligence,” he continued indifferently. “If only it could've been legal far later in his life.” John smiled weakly and clanked glasses with his husband.  
“And double cheers for a night of fine wine, frozen dinner, and... Heavy gore on TV. What are we doing with our lives?” John asked, clanking glasses again.  
“Our best,” Dave answered bluntly, sternly pointing at John. John smirked at Dave, unimpressed, and downed the small glass of wine in one gulp. Dave, already deeply slumped on the couch, set down his drink on the coffee table and spread his arms, inviting John to cuddle. John set his glass down next to Dave's and leaned down into his embrace.  
“It's weird,” John started.  
“What is?” Dave asked quietly, maneuvering his chin onto John's shoulder.  
“It's only been 5 months and-” John abruptly turned his head to the side to look at Dave, inadvertently yet by none's fault but his own, getting hit in the eye with Dave's nose. John flinched away and the couple laughed it off and mumbled apologies before John went on. “We're already so used to being nothing but parents that as soon as we aren't taking care of Sollux we revert back to goofy boyfriend noobs!” John laughed. Dave hugged John tighter and agreed, his voice muffled by John's shoulder.  
“You know what's even weirder, though?” Dave asked tiredly. John hummed questioningly. “You,” Dave answered playfully. John scoffed. “OHHHHHHHH! OHHHHH, SICK BURN!” Dave shouted, throwing his arms up in overstated triumph.  
“Dave!” John giggled, twisting onto his side and trying to squeeze his arm between Dave's neck and the couch.  
“Dude, christ, your fuckin' elbow-” Dave whined, his voice strangled by John's elbow jabbing into him just under his rib cage.  
“Oh, sorry,” John blurted, rolling over onto his belly with his face in Dave's clavicle. Dave gently swatted at John, choking on his hair.  
“You suck at cuddling,” Dave complained, trying to pull his face out of John's hair, unable to appreciate its scent while gagging on it.  
John giggled, lifting his head and trying to pull himself forward to be at eye level with Dave. As he lowered his head back to Dave, they met in a kiss. John sucked Dave's bottom lip into his mouth, placing it gently between his teeth. As he released it, their mouths separated by barely a centimeter and for barely a second.  
As they reconnected, John got Dave to follow his lead in opening his mouth, then slipped his tongue into the blond's mouth. Dave's tongue met his husband's, their tips twirling together for a second before John's tongue delved into the space under Dave's, running along the inside of his teeth. Dave moaned quietly, reaching up to lace his fingers through John's hair. John's tongue suddenly flicked to the roof of Dave's mouth then retreated back to its usual position. Wet noises were made as the couple formed and released suction between their mouths a few times.  
John rose to a kneel, reaching for the remote on the coffee table to turn off the horror movie Dave had on. Dave took the opportunity to detach his back from the couch and pull his shirt off from the back collar. He tossed the clothing onto John's lap. “Hey, John, if we're such goofy boyfriend noobs, I dare you to do your best impression of a virgin,” Dave joked. “'Oh my god, I think a woman might've just walked by my house... I dunno, I can't tell, I don't have any point of reference, but geez, that was scary... I'm not a fuckin' fag, though. I just need to stuff myself with enough cheetos to get the nutrients I need to reproduce asexually,'” Dave impersonated. “I mean, I think I'm accurately emulating the inner thoughts of the modern virgin. I wouldn't know; I've never been one. Too cool for that shit.”  
John burst out laughing. “You weirdo!” he shouted. Dave put his hand on John's shoulder and slowly pulled him back towards him. John's laughter faded into a content moan as his and Dave's lips joined in a deep kiss. The small of John's back, along with the rest of his body, was hypersensitive to the warmth of Dave's hand on his side and the texture of his own shirt due to arousal. Dave's grip on the fabric tightened as he worked the shirt up and off of John's body.  
“John, I think that impression of mine was too convincing... I've even convinced myself... I can feel the virginity returning to my body, quick, John, you gotta help me,” Dave droned, looking over John as noticeably and suggestively as he could, bouncing his eyebrows with a smirk as his eyes met the crystal blue of his partner's.  
“Dave,” John half-chuckled, half-sighed, leaning back in towards Dave, who unbuttoned his pants and squirmed enough to get them down to his knees.  
“John,” Dave moaned back through the kiss, entwining one of his hands with one of John's and moving it to the bulge in his boxers. He let go of John's hand and raised his own to brush over John's hair and rub the back of his neck. John slipped his hand into Dave's boxers, pulling out his half-mast erection. Dave moaned quietly, pushing John's face harder into their contact. With his free hand, John seductively removed Dave's glasses, carelessly tossing them aside as he met his husband's gaze.  
While planting kisses farther back along Dave's face until he reached his jawline, John jerked Dave off with a loose grip and a twisting motion, quickly getting him completely hard. John ran his thumb over Dave's tip, eliciting a whimper and using the precum as lubricant. From the interaction, John could already feel discomfort from the pressure of his own erection trapped within his jeans. After only 2 strokes, John again rose to a kneel with each knee on either side of Dave.  
He pushed the denim bulge at his own crotch along the underside of Dave's cock, keeping his one hand on the veiny member, but reaching with 2 or 3 fingers to unbutton his own pants. As he worked to free his cock, John kept a steady grind against Dave. He was eager to reap the rewards of his efforts, and listened acutely and curiously to Dave's sighs and groans and incoherent, breathy babbling.  
When John worked the button out of its hole, he leaned away from Dave a bit, and Dave instinctively stood up and slid his boxers off as John worked his pants off. John could feel Dave's admiring stare trained on him as his pants fell to the floor at his feet and he kicked them out of the way. John took off his underwear and threw them away on top of Dave's. John leaned back on the couch, legs spread apart, and Dave kneeled in front of him, making brief eye contact, resting his hands atop John's thighs.  
Dave took a long lick along the length of John's shaft, teasing him by stopping just short of his head. Dave went back to the base of John's dick and started slowly working his way up along the side, caressing it with his lips. John breathed Dave's name, using one hand to take hold of Dave by the hair, and using the other to massage his balls. Dave grabbed John's wrist, pulling his hand away, and moved his mouth to John's nuts, taking them gently into his mouth, one at a time.  
During a second when Dave's mouth was empty, John took the opportunity to tighten his grip on his hair and pull him a few inches upwards. John guided Dave's mouth to the tip of his penis without letting his lips touch it quite yet. Dave glanced up at John, who adjusted his glasses with his free hand and looked directly into Dave's eyes, encouragingly, as if issuing a challenge. Dave obliged, parting his lips at first just enough to wrap them around John's tip. John hissed out a pleasurable, exhorting sigh as his head fell backwards against the cushion.  
Dave coasted his tongue along the corona as he wrapped one hand firmly around the base of John's dick. Having circled the glans twice, Dave moved to flicking the slit with his tongue, dragging a sharp moan out of John, followed by soft cries of enjoyment. Dave placed his tongue over John's frenulum and kept it there as he pulled his head back so only the very tip of John cock was held in his mouth by the suction. Twisting his hand one more time, Dave moved it back to John's thigh, where the pair's hands intertwined. Dave opened his mouth wide, sliding his lips about half way down John's shaft.  
“Jesus, fuck...” John moaned, clenching the fist that he held Dave's hair in. Dave slid both hands forward, groping John's ass pushed up against John's hand on the back of his head to slide back to the top of his cock. With only enough dick in his mouth that it was reasonable to expect it to slip out of his mouth with a slight pop, Dave paused for a second, then went back down, taking a good three quarters of John into his mouth.  
“Dave!” John cried out. Dave repeated the maneuver, this time deepthroating John, his lips making contact with the base of John's cock. Dave held himself there, letting John catch his breath, all the while staring up at him, his gaze sinful and seductive. John, his breathing resuming a pace closer to normal, moved his free hand back to rest on the back of Dave's, and made eye contact with the wanton blond. As soon as he even slightly tugged his hair, Dave relinquished all power to John. John dragged the warmth and wetness of his partner's mouth up his shaft. At the same time, he adjusted his position to move Dave's hand closer to his asshole.  
Dave ran his fingers over John's entrance, lightly pushing into it, but not quite breaching the hole. John cried out, continuing to throatfuck a nearly silent Dave. “Yeah – fuckin'... Suck me off – fuck... God, Dave, you know exactly how to treat a man...” John murmured, blissfully smirking. Dave moaned self-praising agreement. On one motion of bringing Dave down, John dick hit the back of his throat, causing him to gag. John's breath hitched as he paused briefly, reveling in Dave's throat constricting around his head for just a second before pulling Dave up, emptying his mouth of dick. Dave pulled his hands back to his sides and looked up at John with saliva and precum trailing from the corner of his mouth to his chin.  
John helped Dave back onto the couch as he stood up. “Time to lube up?” Dave questioned as John walked across the room to search through a drawer. John nodded, finding the bottle of lube he was looking for. He shut the drawer and returned to Dave, who was on the couch on his hands and knees. John kneeled behind him, grabbing his ass with both hands and spreading his cheeks. John leaned into Dave's ass, teasing his hole with his tongue. With the encouragement of Dave's moans, John briefly breached Dave's hole with the tip of his tongue. Dave whimpered, backing into the contact just as John drew out of it.  
John coated three of his fingers with lube, penetrating Dave with two of them. As Dave moaned and squirmed, John bent over him. Putting his nose to Dave's tailbone, John slowly drew up the center of Dave's back, adding the moisture of his breath to the slick sheen of sweat coating his back. John had to go a little to Dave's side to reach to suck on his neck, but the salty taste of his sweat and his begging for John to put a third finger in him made it more than worth it. John twisted and curled his fingers inside of Dave, pulling them up to make ample room for a third as he nibbled Dave's earlobe.  
“Consider it payment for the blowjob,” John purred through Dave's loud, constant cry as John pushed down into his prostate. John soon took the pressure off of the spot, but hit it several more times as he continued to stretch Dave out, provoking a sharp moan each time. Once John determined Dave was loose enough, he slid his fingers out and resumed his previous kneeling position. John rutted Dave's ass, putting his dick between his ass cheeks and humming in pleasure as he made small movements which Dave happily backed into. Then, drawing away, he gently commanded Dave onto his back, helping him roll over with a hand on his shoulder.  
Dave obeyed, settling into a supine position and laying his ankles on John's shoulders whether he wanted them there or not. John put a line of lube along his dick, spreading it out with one hand while Dave dragged his free hand up to his clavicle in a nonverbal request for John to play with his nipples and caress his face and neck. John indulged his partner, not only circling his fingertip around Dave's nipple, but also ridding his other hand of a thin coat of leftover lube by wiping it on Dave's dick via a handjob. Dave groaned breathily, his breathing not calming in the slightest even when John momentarily cut off the stimulation. John held Dave's jaw in his hand, tracing his earlobe with his index finger as he smiled lustfully at his partner.  
John positioned the head of his cock at Dave's entrance, and Dave groaned desperately, trying to pull himself into it. John chuckled, deciding to instead tease Dave, moving up to rub the undersides of their cocks together. Dave looked up at John, made a sound similar to a growl. He grabbed John by the hair and pulled him closer, halving the distance between their faces.  
“Just get the fuck inside me,” Dave demanded headily, tracing John's jaw and lips with his thumb before letting him lean away. John realigned his cock with Dave's hole, smoothly breaching the entrance with just the tip. “Ah, fuck, yeah, bro...” Dave moaned, squirming.  
“Really? 'Bro'?” John questioned. Dave pulled his ankle off of John's shoulder and playfully put his foot in John's face, knocking John's glasses crooked. “What's next, 'no homo?'” John mockingly asked, repositioning Dave's foot and pushing deeper into him. Dave made a sound of pleasure somewhere between a loud sigh and a quiet scream, reaching to form a tight grasp on the couch cushion.  
“Shit, John, just, fuckin'... Just fuck me already, in the least hetrosexual way,” he retorted in an urgent whine. John smirked and chuckled. He placed his hand on the bottom of Dave's belly, then glided all the way to his collarbone in a straight path up the center of his torso. John leaned over to meet his hand, which he moved out of the way, instead putting his teeth against Dave's collarbone and leaving his hand splayed across Dave's chest. Dave cried out as John thrusted into him, grabbing John's hair and pulling, futily aiming to pull John closer to him in any way possible.  
The hand on Dave's chest was allowed to slip down onto the couch cushion to support John as his other hand covered Dave's, prompting him to loosen his grip a little. John tilted his head up to kiss Dave's neck. As John sucked the skin of Dave's neck into his mouth, Dave let out a calmer moan, unique among his others, to display acknowledgment. “Shit, yeah... You better fuckin' leave a hickey... You better fuckin' – oh, God... Mark me as yours...” Dave whimpered. John set his objective to fulfilling the request, still continuing his slow, sensual, grinding against – in and out of – Dave's ass. He soon released Dave's neck, pulling back a little bit to examine his work.  
“Th-that good?” he stammered. Dave only replied by quietly moaning John's name. “You know h-how much it turns me on when you scream for me,” John implied to him, looking away slightly in an attempt to hide his expectation. Dave opened one eye to stare at John for a second.  
“John!” He cried out. John twitched in excitement. “F-faster! Go faster!” John briefly studied Dave's face with a hungry gaze, his cock throbbing as he held himself back. John let out a drawn out moan followed by Dave's name. He planted his hands on either side of Dave, fell forward on top of him. The couple's mouths joined, and Dave took it upon himself to be the dominant tongue, as John was distracted, pounding in and out of Dave. Their groans were indistinguishable from each other's.  
As John came, he whimpered and spasmmed a bit, jerking up then pressing the side of his face into Dave's chest. His arms darted to Dave's hair, abruptly forming a tight grip. Dave moaned as John's cum filled his ass, throwing his head back as best he could with the couch cushion only having so much give. He slung his arms over John's back and shoulders, his fingers brushing the side of John's neck, and his hands and legs sliding off John's back as he leaned up and pulled out.  
Dave reached down to jerk himself the rest of the way to orgasm, but John brushed his hand aside, insisting on doing it for him. John wrapped his hand around Dave's shaft and his lips around his head. Dave threw his hands over his face, wiping it clean of sweat. Almost instantly, he came, crying out loudly. As the first drop of jizz landed in John's mouth, he moved away, letting the rest spurt onto Dave's stomach.  
Both of them panting, John layed down on his side between Dave and the back of the couch. He wiped the cum off of Dave's abdomen, and Dave jokingly pushed the jizz-drenched hand into John's partly open mouth, getting most of the fluid in John's mouth or on his lips. Glaring at Dave, John swallowed it, unsure what else to do with it. A second later, though, the couple smiled at each other, their hair damp with sweat.

John and Dave spent the next day or two making preparations for transitioning from caring for a grub to caring for an alien toddler. Half of this process consisted of Dave asking Latula for advice on a constant basis, as Terezi had pupated a good 5 weeks before Sollux. In actuality, they'd found when the teal-blood had let them tag along to get recuperacoon materials, the only thing that made Latula any less clueless than them was her actually being a troll.  
“So how big will the recuperacoon have to be?” Dave asked. Latula shrugged casually, crouching to poke at a snail on a log, allowing it to slink onto her finger.  
“Big enough for the troll to sleep in,” she answered. John rolled his eyes, then scowled and reflexively pulled his leg up upon realizing the mud had not yet abandoned its mission to envelope his feet.  
“Thanks, captain obvious,” Dave remarked. “How big are the trolls, though? And couldn't a newly pupated troll drown in the goop if the recuperacoon's too big?”  
Latula flicked the snail into the snail bag which was full of snails and was slung over her shoulder. She stood up and swatted slimy fragments of bark off the knees of her jeans (leggings?). “I dunno, about yay high?” She held one hand level about 3 feet off the ground. “As for the drowning...” she drawled, just as slowly relocating her hand to the strap of the snail bag. “No clue,” she chimed, shrugging with a dumb smirk.  
Dave sighed as he pawed some low-hanging leaves. “How the hell is Terezi still alive,” he more stated than asked.  
“Clearly I'm just a terrible parent because I didn't read the standard issue Ancestor and Parent Handbook,” Latula snapped. “Obviously literally every other guardian has read the manual.” John glanced at Dave, wondering if he was just gonna take that sass as the latter confirmed otherwise by holding his tongue for a long moment. “Yeah, you losers haven't read it either.”  
“Well, we would if it existed,” John commented. “We aren't exactly Sollux's intended caregivers, so we really need all the help we can get.”  
“Well, even trolls aren't trolls' 'intended caregivers,' so I need that help, too,” Latula slogged through the swamp as she spoke, managing to board a raft of fallen branches towards the end of her sentence. “I'd at least skim through it,” she replied to Dave's challenging glare. No one really had much to say for a while, other than a few choice words every time they cut themselves on some plant or another or a bug decided they were a good landing spot, and Dave's several mutterings of, “I can't believe we have to build this dumb cocoon thing from scratch...”  
“Well, trolls were intended to be raised by animals,” both John and Latula had taken the liberty to remind him.  
“So your race forces this hell onto innocent woodland creatures? That's fucked up,” Dave came back with.  
“Eh. We've done worse,” Latula tried to justify.  
The three of them spent the greater part of a day in the swampy area, gathering sticks, branches, mud – but only certain mud – snails, and other seemingly useless things and forming basic models of the planned recuperacoon.  
“So how is this actually gonna become a recuperacoon?” John wondered during the disprovement of Sollux's 'Coon Version 3.0's effectiveness as he lowered a branch to the ground.  
“Prayers and rainbows and a unicorn's magic,” Dave scoffed.  
“Well, actually, certain environments are hella rich in this one kind of algae that builds up the material of a recuperacoon. They have a symbiotic relationship with a lot of wildlife that need shelter, so it becomes a priority to build a sort of nest that things can live in, and shed tons of dead skin cells in,” Latula explained, uncharacteristically calm and matter-of-fact.  
“Wow,” Dave twirled a branch in his hand, hardly secretive about his respect of Latula's knowledge. “You never mentioned your degree in being a fucking nerd on your resume.”  
“Well, actually, it's a degree in ecology,” Latula humbly specified.  
“Why didn't you go into a career with that?” John wondered aloud, idly stripping thicker branches of twigs.  
“Well, at some point I realized that we wouldn't actually be wrestling alligators or curing super viruses.”  
“Good call,” Dave chimed, offering Latula a high five. As Latula reached over to claim the high five, a few branches tumbled out of place, at first startling the trio, but then catching each other, forming an unexpectedly functional recuperacoon design.  
It had a thick base and branched off into two chimney-like shapes like trees were often known to do. John stepped back, leaving deep footprints in the viscous mud. Dave glanced between the structure and John, who slightly nodded in approval of the former.  
“That'll work,” he stated.

“'We can put that together in Sol's room,' you said,” Dave recited John's line of thinking. “'Let's just get it out of the way now; it'll only take like half an hour,' you said.” John glared at Dave through grunts of overexertion.  
“As if you knew any better,” he muttered, wiping the sweat off his face by nuzzling his sleeve. Dave scoffed bitterly, attempting to hold up his side of the recuperacoon and help John with his at the same time as he noticed it starting to fall. Unfortunately, all he accomplished was ramming his branch into the ceiling, knocking it out of his grip and causing the whole thing to fall. Both John and Dave grelled, not even bothering to step out of the way of the falling tree limbs. Dave covered his face with his hands and fell into a sitting position on the floor with his knees at his chest. John, meanwhile, threw his arms up and leaned against the wall before crossing them.  
“We were supposed to go to Olive Garden tonight, Dave!” John griped.  
 _“I know,”_ Dave whined. _“We are missing out on so many breadsticks.”_ John rubbed the bridge of his nose, stepping away from the wall towards Dave.  
“Hey,” he started, sitting down next to Dave. “Olive Garden always has breadsticks. Their supply is infinite.”  
“Yeah, but we don't have infinite time. This is gonna be our only week off of parenting that we're gonna have for a long time and I'm just wasting it,” Dave complained.  
“Whatever, we can just have dinner at home. We don't need to go out to go on a date.” John put his arm around Dave and pulled him closer. Dave sighed.  
“Yeah, I guess, but-”  
“No 'but's,” John grabbed Dave wrist and moved to stand up. “Come on.”  
Once in the kitchen, John deposited Dave at the dining table and flung open the cabinet. He scanned its contents in search of a pack of spaghetti. John grabbed the package and shut the cabinet as quickly as he'd opened it. On his route to the stove, John reached into the cupboard under the island and retrieved a pan. He set the spaghetti on the counter and the pot in the sink with the water running as he lit the stove and returned to the cabinet to search for tomato sauce.  
In the middle of his search, John heard a crinkling noise from the other side of the kitchen. He turned around to investigate, discovering that Dave, who was pulling bread away from its loaf several slices at a time, was the culprit. John looked away, raised an eyebrow, and just as quickly looked back at Dave.  
“What the hell are you doing?” John asked.  
“I'm making breadsticks,” Dave replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. John sighed.  
“You can't just make breadsticks out of regular sliced bread, Dave.” John turned back to the cabinet, tentatively reaching for a can of tomato sauce as he confirmed he was grabbing the correct ingredient before going through with the action.  
“Not with that attitude, you can't,” Dave said, making defiant eye contact with John as he compressed the bread into a gooey stick of patchwork. John rolled his eyes as he looked away, continuing on to the sink. He quickly turned the water off, moving the pot of water onto the stove. He then paused for a moment, thinking what he needed to do next. “Could you gimme a hand over here?” Dave managed to grab John's attention as he finished his first “breadstick” and started on his second. “I'm only human, not some... Automated manufacturer of... Mediocre... Shapely bread...” Dave's voice trailed off into a mumble, which John silenced by simply placing his hand over Dave's mouth. John pulled over a second loaf from across the counter, opening it and mimicking Dave without another word.  
“...This is stupid,” John eventually sighed.  
“You know what's even stupider?” Dave asked with the same smirk he always wore before making an ironically terrible joke.  
“Uh, your shades.” Dave was visibly, or at least theatrically, offended that John would take that joke from him.  
“What! Dude, no, my shades are awesome,” Dave argued. John set down the breadstick he was working on to grab Dave's shades and put them on over his own glasses.  
“Oh, hey, I'm Dave Strider, and I pretend that my aviators make me the coolest guy ever, but I'm really even dorkier than my husband,” John mocked. Dave lunged forward to try to grab his glasses back, but John ducked away just in time. “And I'm also a shit ninja even though my brother raised me as one, and I cry a ton over the stupidest things.”  
“I do not,” Dave contended, again trying to reclaim his glasses. Interrupting his giggles with the dorkiest squeal of all, John again tried to duck away, only succeeding in cornering himself. Dave leaned over him like a living blanket, finally pulling his glasses off of John's face despite John's best efforts to shield himself. Dave deliberately returned his shades to their rightful spot on his face, and moved onto one side of John to sit next to him on the floor. “Ya li'l shit,” he taunted, lightly punching John's shoulder. John snorted and bumped against Dave in retaliation.  
“Aw, c'mon, didn't I give you those in the first place?” John whined. Dave's eyebrows shot up and he leaned his head against the oven door behind him, somewhat stunned by how quickly the memories returned to him.  
“Oh, shit, yeah, I guess you did,” he droned. Dave wrinkled his nose and turned to John before going on. “God, that was so long ago.”  
“I know, right? We were... What, 13?”  
“And supposedly straight,” Dave took the liberty of adding, leaning in to put his forehead against John's. John hummed contently as Dave briefly kissed him.  
“Geez, it's so weird to remember that at some point we only even knew each other over the internet and there was half a country between us.” Dave muttered agreement before a long pause took hold as John and Dave were comfortable just sitting together.  
“...Sounds like the water's boiling,” Dave eventually commented.  
“Yeah,” John sighed. He sat for another moment as Dave began rising to his feet. Just as John started moving, the box of uncooked spaghetti fell on his head and spilled onto the floor, followed by Dave muttering a curse.  
“Augh, sorry. Forgot that that's where the spaghetti was,” Dave apologized. John looked down at the broken pasta scattered across the floor.  
“It's fine,” he mumbled, getting on his hands and knees to sweep the spaghetti back into its box. “Finish my breadstick,” he added, finally standing up. “We probably have more.” John walked to the trashcan at the end of the kitchen to throw away the box of pasta in his hand. He turned to the cabinet where he'd gotten it from in the first place and began searching for a new box. When, after a minute or two, he couldn't find any more pasta, John called out in a weak tone of voice, “I don't think we have any more spaghetti.” Dave glanced in John's direction before approaching him. Dave crouched next to John with the intention of helping him search. However, after only a second or two, he just pulled out two cans of spaghetti-O’s and presented them to John as if it were the greatest discovery since electricity.  
“Dave, we're not eating spaghetti-O’s,” John protested, unimpressed.  
“C'moooon, it's our last few days before we're 100% committed to parenting. If we ever wanna behave like college kids, it's now or never.” John simple crossed his arms and sighed. Dave briefly pouted, then kneeled by John's side and slung his arm over his shoulders. “Dude, come on. I can see the headlines now: 'Gays Gone Wild; Homos Now Classifying Spaghetti-O’s and Sliced Bread an Olive Garden Substitute,'” Dave waved his arm in front of John as he spoke to make it seem more grand. John still didn't react aside from a small chuckle. Dave scoffed, calling John a party pooper and shuffling away from him on his knees before standing up and taking two bowls out of a high up cupboard.  
“Dave, no.” Dave ignored John's pleas and continued opening the cans.  
“No, John, it's too late. There's no hope anymore. Stereotypical cynical caricature's line,” Dave drawled, pouring the cans' contents into the bowls. “You should probably go stop boiling the water.”  
“Yeah,” John agreed half-heartedly, begrudgingly standing up to go do that. Dave, emptying out and throwing away the cans, carried the bowls over to the counter in front of the microwave. “You can't microwave two bowls at once, Dave,” John said sternly as he dumped the boiling water down the sink. Dave opened his mouth to speak, but John cut him off straightaway with, “And don't you dare say, 'No with that attitude, you can't.'” Dave scoffed, legitimately, even if only mildly, upset. He carefully set one bowl down on the counter, only putting one in the microwave.  
“Happy?” he demanded, his voice lacking the conviction to make him sound like anything more than a whiny teenager as he set the microwave to go for 45 seconds. John briefly looked him over, then nodded. Dave put his elbows on the counter as he waited for the first bowl to heat up, then leaned back into the counter as he waited for the second. “So...” Dave searched for something to say to make small talk with John, who was also awkwardly idling in the dark kitchen, lit only by the microwave and the light from either streetlights or the full moon streaming in through the skylight. “Do you think we should put the breadsticks I the oven, or something?”  
“What?” John immediately snapped back.  
“Or maybe microwave them? Y'know, like grilled cheese. Except without cheese. And in a vaguely phallic shape. So. Basically the worst grilled cheese ever.” John chuckled at Dave accidentally discovering new aspects of his own idea, and before anyone could say anything else, the microwave and its loud beeping took center stage.  
Dave quickly spun around in the wrong direction, taking an extra half turn to get to the microwave. He slammed the button to open it and retrieved the bowl within. In his other hand, he held the other bowl and he took both of them to the dining table in an alcove off the side of the kitchen entrance. John followed him, grabbing two spoons on his way. John sat down at the same time Dave set the food down.  
Dave stopped him as he raised a spoon in preparation to eat. John set his spoon back down and furrowed his brow curiously. Dave opened the fridge to get a jar of olives and set them on the table, then ran back to the breadsticks, gathering them up and bringing them to the table. Dave pried open the lid of the olive jar and placed one olive on top of each of their bowls of spaghetti-O’s  
“Bon apetite,” He said proudly, putting the olives back in the fridge and gliding back over to the table, quickly adding, “Or... Whatever the fuck the Italian term would be.”

It was strange how it was in the middle of eating compressed white bread and spaghetti-O’s with exactly one olive in each bowl that the Strider-Egbert family became official. When it finally _felt_ official. That hearing this gross slimy noise from upstairs was when John and Dave's relationship _really_ made the transition from “sexually involved roommates with a shared pet” to... _Family._  
John and Dave ran upstairs to see a large tear down the center of the cocoon John was the first one to carefully approach with Dave coming in a few steps behind. John dared to kneel down and carefully poke at the tear in the cocoon, only to be met with a pale gray, practically white, foot to the face. Dave snickered, then lunged forward to catch the rest of the toddler that followed face first. The child was small enough that Dave's hands fit almost all the way around his chest, and he appeared to be in some sleep-like state, with his eyes closed, his breathing slow and deep, and his lanky (for a toddler), almost undernourished-looking limbs limp. Dave smiled blissfully and wide-eyed, and John seemed to be in some kind of disbelief as Sollux slowly opened his glowing eyes.  
As Dave handed Sollux off to John, some deep yellow splotches with obvious raised sections were revealed on his sides. Grub scars. They both examined them for a second, gingerly running their fingers over them, before Dave got up and dashed to the dresser on the far wall of the room, picking up the red and blue glasses he'd been saving for a long time. He quickly returned and took Sollux back from John, equipping him with the glasses. John scoffed, slowly shaking his head. He looked around the room for a moment before commenting, “Well. We'd best finish up the recuperacoon.”  
Dave nodded in agreement as Sollux stared at them both curiously, attempting to reach up and fidget with his glasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dramatically throws arm onto forehead and drapes self over nearest thing* It's done! It's fucking DONE! THIS CHAPTER IS MORE THAN A THIRD OF THE ENTIRE FIC AS OF CH.7, ITS NINE GODDAMNED PAGES IN OPENOFFICE AND I PUT THIS SHIT OFF FOR OVER THREE MONTHS! AND ITS FUCKING DONE! HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH. Btw i also do this writing livestream thing on weekends at 1 or 2 pm to 4 or 5 pm (west coast of America time) at join . me/likeigiveafuck
> 
> Its the lamest shit ever but oh well it helps me get shit writ(ten).


	7. Preschool

_why doe2 terezii thiink iim a poliice car_  
“Sollux, off the computer. This is the fourth time I've told you today,” Porrim said gently as she lowered Sollux off the chair behind the desk. Porrim sighed as she backspaced his typing, muttering to herself, “How you even know how spell and use a computer at this age is beyond me...” Sollux opened his mouth to whine, and Porrim looked down at him, nudging him away with a soft, “Why don't you go play with the other wrigglers?”  
“I don' wanna play with the other wrigglerth! They're boring and I don' like any of them!” He shouted back.  
“I wasn't _asking_ you to go,” Porrim frustratedly retorted, taking Sollux's hand and pulling him back into the classroom. She pushed him a few steps forward into the chaos that was preschool, but he didn't waste a second before using his psiionics to open the door again. Porrim caught him on his dash for freedom and shut the door behind her. “No,” she said bluntly, pushing Sollux out into the room again, this time standing guard by the door as he stood glaring her down.  
“Sollux! Sollux!” Sollux sighed, recognizing the excited voice as Terezi. “Sollux, come on, Mindfang escaped from jail again!”  
“Maybe you thould get a better jail...” Sollux grumbled back as Terezi grabbed his arm and tried to climb on top of him.  
“Come on, police car! We don't have much time!”  
“Terezi,” Porrim interrupted Terezi's siren noises, “Maybe Sollux doesn't want to play.”  
“No troll's unwillingness will stand in the way of justice,” Terezi said gravely. Sollux sighed, looking to Porrim, who didn't seem to know how to react, with a pleading gaze. He flinched as Terezi lightly kicked him in the side as if spurring a horse, shouting insistence that Sollux act as her justice vehicle. Begrudgingly, Sollux started carrying Terezi across the room, flashing his eyes red and blue after even more prompting than it took to get him moving in the first place.  
“Police; stop!” She shouted, aggressively pointing at Vriska, who stood in the corner of the room, trying to look menacing. Vriska laughed maniacally, flipping her hair like a mean girl in a high school drama.  
“Redglare, we meet again! I'll do whatever I want,” she shouted back, picking up a block and hurling it at Terezi. Terezi leaned back to dodge, pulling Sollux directly into the block's trajectory. The wooden cube collided with Sollux's brow, and he grunted in pain as he threw Terezi off his back.  
“I'm not playing with you guyth anymore!” he cried, not making much attempt to hold back a few frustrated tears. “Thith thuckth and I hate both of you!” He went on, violently returning the block to a half crest-fallen, half furious Vriska before stomping off towards the corner.  
“Sollux, wait! Justice didn't win yet!” Terezi called, following him. Sollux turned and shoved her away.  
“I don' care about 'juthtith'! Lea'me alone!” he growled at Terezi. Finally, Porrim approached the pair before anything got any worse.  
“Terezi, I think it's time to leave Sollux alone,” she said, guiding Terezi away. “Sollux, how about you go find someone else to play with?”  
“No,” Sollux whined. “I don' like _any_ of the trolls.”  
“Have you _met_ any of the other trolls?” Sollux hung his head defiantly as he muttered admission that he hadn't, as well as his refusal to do so. Porrim sighed, calling Karkat to her. “Try playing with Karkat. I think you'll get along okay.” Porrim ignored Sollux's protests, walking away to leave him with Karkat and an ornately dressed seadweller who came over with him.  
“Hey,” Sollux petulantly replied to Karkat's shy, meek greeting. “I'm Thollukth. Who'th your friend?”  
“I'm Eridan,” The seadweller said, stepping forward. “W-we're playing Threshecutioners.”  
“Do you wanna play with us?” Karkat asked, his voice loud compared to his introduction, but still quiet compared to the two other wrigglers.  
“Thure,” Sollux resigned, looking over the trolls. They were, even if only by a little, the palest ones in the room, telling Sollux that they were the most recently pupated, and giving him hope that they might be at least a little less violent than the other trolls. “What do I do?”  
“W-we threshecute each other,” Eridan said.  
“We have different Threshecutioner teams,” Karkat elaborated. Eridan looked over Sollux and whispered to Karkat that he didn't have a foam weapon like theirs. “Oh. Sollux, you need a sickle to play.”  
“Can I have one?”  
“No,” Eridan said dourly before Karkat could reply.  
“Okay... I have thiionicth, I don' need a weapon,” Sollux tried to reason.  
“You have psiionics? That's cool, how do they work?” Karkat excitedly questioned, taking a step closer to Sollux. Eridan suddenly struck his back with a foam sickle, loudly announcing his sneak attack. Karkat immediately collapsed in a pile of screeching and giggles, wrestling with Eridan as they each took every opportunity to exchange maladroit blows with their sickles.  
“SOLLUX! HELP!” Karkat laughed. Sollux telekinesissed Eridan's cape over his face, giving Karkat a chance to jump up out from under him and be chased across the room. Sollux smirked at their refreshingly lighthearted combat as Eridan quickly caught up with Karkat and knocked the sickle out of his hand. Eridan continued his assault on Karkat until he submitted, at which point Sollux ran over, picking Karkat's sickle up off the ground and hitting Eridan in the back of the neck with it.  
“Okay, I killed you,” Sollux declared.  
“No you didn't 'cause I'm a highblood!” Eridan spun around, turning on Sollux. This, of course, initiated an epic sickle fight. Karkat soon returned from the dead to tackle Eridan to the floor. Eridan, by only a narrow margin, was able to get back up, but could only sustain so many fake punches and kicks from Karkat before falling over on top of Sollux. Sollux's glasses fell off, but he made sure to get in enough hits on Eridan's face for Karkat to declare victory before searching for them.  
“I had a shield that blocks ev-verything,” Eridan argued.  
“NO YOU DIDN'T!” Shouted Karkat.  
“Yes I did, because I'm royalty and royalty gets whatever they want,” Eridan went on, obviously convinced by his own logic.  
“But that'th cheating!” Sollux blurted, returning his glasses to his face.  
“ERIDAN'S NO FUN TO PLAY WITH,” Karkat went on, still yelling for who knows what reason. Sollux flinched at the volume of Karkat's voice, convincing him to speak more softly. “Let's go play with someone else, Sollux.” Karkat reaped Eridan's sickle for his spoils as the victor, and began wandering away with Sollux until Eridan called out to them.  
“W-wait, I lied, I don't hav-ve a shield, I'm dead, look,” Eridan pleaded all at once. Karkat giggled triumphantly and turned around to return to the seadweller, when an announcement from Kankri stopped everyone.  
“It's snack time, everyone,” he called, performing the amazing feat of silencing the room of toddlers. Eridan leaped to his feet and followed the rest of the class, including Sollux and Karkat, into the other room, where they were all offered juice boxes and crackers. Eridan was the only one not to eat, instead turning his nose up at the meager offerings like the “royalty” he was. He only scoffed when Sollux asked why he wouldn't eat.  
“Eridan gets lots of stuff so he's really picky, but he's fun to play with so it's okay,” Karkat whispered to Sollux in response to his confusion.  
“Hello, Karkat,” greeted a brightly dressed troll as she approached Karkat. Karkat identified her as Kanaya with an excited exclamation of her name as she sized up Sollux and Eridan. “How's your day?” she politely asked, sitting criss-cross applesauce next to a much smaller Karkat.  
“I MADE FRIENDS!” Karkat shouted, throwing himself onto Kanaya to hug her. Kanaya hummed in acknowledgment, staring at Eridan's uneaten food.  
“Are you going to eat that?” she asked. Eridan shook his head, allowing Kanaya claim his crackers and apple juice.  
“That one is Sollux, he has psiionics,” Karkat went on whether Kanaya was listening or not as she bit into the side of the juice box, drinking through the holes she made. Kanaya hummed an “m-hm” like Sollux had heard John and Dave do to each other so many times when one of them was busy. “And that one is Eridan. He's a seadweller, so that means he's a prince!” Kanaya looked up from her meal, wiping herself clean of juice running down her chin and throat.  
“Really? You got a prince to be your friend?” Kanaya questioned, more curious than disbelieving.  
“Yep!” Eridan chimed in. “I'm the second highest blood!”  
“And I'm assuming the first highest is her?” Kanaya pointed to another seadweller eating by herself across the room, dressed in a bright, sparkly, pink shirt that covered neither her shoulders nor belly button, and washed-out, low-rise, short shorts adorned with more sparkly trinkets and accessories. Eridan nodded. “That's Feferi,” Kanaya said, then coolly shifting her attention to her crackers. Eridan frowned.  
“She doesn't look like a troll royalty w-would asso- ashotia- asco- uh... Talk to,” he said, managing the keep his whiny tone all throughout his mispronunciations. Kanaya finished eating her crackers before replying to Eridan.  
“I talked to her a little bit. She's nothing like she looks. Her mom dresses her that way.”  
“Huh,” Eridan idly whispered as Kanaya returned to her juice.  
“How come you drink the juithe like that?” Sollux meekly questioned after a second of silence. “There'th a little hole in the top where you put the thtraw in,” Sollux pointed to the spot he referenced on Kanaya's juice box. Kanaya turned away from Sollux, draining the box dry before tossing it aside.  
“I drink like that because I'm gonna be a rainbow drinker, like my mom, Porrim,” She answered. Sollux looked over Kanaya for a second before he put it together.  
“Oh, _you're_ the teacher'th dethendant,” he said, somewhat awed and earning a nod from Kanaya. After a pause and another small epiphany, Sollux continued: “And Karkat'th kinda your brother?” Karkat nodded enthusiastically.  
“Huh,” Sollux breathed as Karkat and Kanaya ventured into their own conversation, losing the rest of the group.  
“Should I talk to Feferi?” Eridan suddenly wondered aloud.  
“Um...” Sollux took a bite of cracker and shrugged. “I 'unno, but you're thtill playing with uth, right?” Eridan started thinking about it, but Kankri suddenly announced that snack time was over and outside time was starting, opening the sliding doors to the outside world, however fenced in it may have been. Kanaya and some girl with an oversized coat and what looked to be a tail were the first two to dart outside, followed by Terezi chasing Vriska. The rest of the trolls stood up, picking up their trash at Porrim's command, and walked outside far more calmly than their predecessors.  
Kanaya opted to relax in the sun, so Karkat rejoined his original trio. Sollux was somewhat surprised that Terezi and Vriska actually left him alone, leaving him to his heated discussion about the rules of Threshecutioners with Eridan. Eridan argued that Sollux's psiionics weren't fair, and Sollux argued that Eridan's highblood excuse wasn't fair. Karkat just occasionally, quietly, suggested compromises.  
Their argument came to a close not when they came to a consensus, but when Vriska, standing atop the playground and claiming herself a pirate, hurled a small rock at Eridan, labeling him the “sea monster.”  
“We don' wanna play, Vrithka,” Sollux spoke up.  
“You're just scared you're gonna lose!” Vriska shouted back, throwing another rock, this time missing. Eridan picked up both rocks and threw them towards Vriska, but they both hit the railing of the play structure with a loud clank, and fell back to the ground. Vriska laughed at the pouty seadweller, and the group had the misfortune of Terezi catching wind of the situation before anyone had another chance to retreat. Terezi suddenly jumped onto Sollux's back like she had several times earlier, knocking him down.  
“JUSTICE UPON THE SEA MONSTER!” She cried, getting a chant of agreement from Vriska.  
“Get off me...” Sollux whined in a strangled voice as he struggled to get up with the weight of Terezi on his back.  
“What's this? You're on the sea monster's side?” Terezi taunted. Sollux ignored her, using his psiionics to fling a rock at Terezi, prompting her to get off of him.  
“He'th not a thea monthter,” Sollux argued, still not quite to the point of standing. Terezi grunted and lightly kicked Sollux in the calf for revenge. As Sollux made it to his feet, Terezi lunged at Karkat, who had backed away from the conflict.  
“What about you?” She demanded, only a few inches from his face. “Who's side are you on?” she ostentatiously twirled a stick around in the process of pointing it at the smaller troll in front of her.  
“ERIDAN'S MY FRIEND,” Karkat explained, making Terezi flinch at the unexpected volume of his voice.  
“Oh,” Terezi said simply, taking a step back and pausing before pointing her stick at Vriska. “Well, then, Mindfang, it looks like us two are alone on this one!” Terezi climbed the playground in a matter of seconds to join Vriska's side. Sollux sighed as he prepared for “battle,” frustrated with the unwanted playmates, but also somewhat happy to get to go against Terezi without the risk of ending up on her bad side.

Between outside time, story time, learning time, and nap time, the first day of preschool went by surprising quickly. Before Sollux knew it, he was already waking up from his nap and being dragged into his parents' car to go home as he whined about leaving Karkat and Eridan.  
“Sollux...” John grumbled, going back and forth between closing the car door and Sollux flinging it open. “Your friends aren't even here any more, Sollux! They all went home!” John tried to explain, causing nothing but a moment's pause before the next time Sollux flung the door back open. John grelled, throwing his head back. Dave suddenly approached, still looking backwards, finishing up his farewells to Latula. John, holding Sollux back from running free, stared pleadingly at his sympathetic husband.  
“Here,” Dave said, hoisting Sollux into his lap as he pulled himself and his son into the center of the back seat. John slammed the door shut again, in the process discovering that, fortunately, Sollux wasn't well-versed enough in car doors to open them with psiionics. Not that that stopped him from trying. “Sollux, chill out, you're gonna see them all tomorrow,” Dave assured the little troll.  
“Why?” Sollux demanded.  
“Because you get to come to school every day,” John, getting into the driver seat, talked before Dave got his chance to.  
“ _Every_ day?” Sollux questioned, wide-eyed.  
“Well, not _every_ day...” John clarified, buckling his seat belt. “You get weekends off.” John positioned himself to drive, but first looked back and convinced a begrudging Dave to put a seat belt on before leaving the preschool's premises.  
“So, then, Sollux... How _was_ your first day?” John asked. Dave looked expectantly to Sollux, almost more eager for his answer than the person who actually asked the question.  
“Okay,” Sollux groaned in reply.  
“Why okay? What happened?” Dave asked.  
“Terethi and Vrithka were mean and my friendth kept talking to other wrigglerth...” Sollux explained. “Altho they didn't let me uthe any of the computerth.”  
“Well you're supposed to be learning and socializing, so...” Dave contended.  
“You can do that with computerth, though!” Sollux argued back. Dave opened his mouth to argue, but only drew blanks. He and John exchanged glances via the rear view mirror, through which John communicated that he didn't have anything either.  
“Well, either way,” John started, refocusing on the road ahead, “I hope you're ready to go back tomorrow.”  
“...I am,” Sollux admitted stubbornly, giving up his upright position to squirm lower on his seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first off: JEGUS FRICK I DID NOT REALIZE IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE THE LAST UPDATE. I AM SO SORRY. ...But hey, look, the first super fluffy chapter, and also the longest one yet... Hopefully the wait was worth it? Hopefully I successfully wrote them as preschoolers?
> 
> Second: for the part where Karkat and Eridan are described as the palest ones in the room, I should clarify that I have this headcanon that when trolls first finish pupating, their skin is almost white and it darkens to gray over time, finishing by around the time they start puberty, and, sometimes, when trolls are much older, (maybe, like, mid-thirties (in years) or so) they might start darkening again until they're pretty much black, like what we've seen of the ancestors.
> 
> Lastly: I don't know if anyone noticed, but I actually used this chapter to coin a new term: "Grell." I was fed up with "ugh" not having a verb, (you know, like, to describe someone going "Argh!" you might say they "cried out" or "screamed" or something) especially for it being such a common, natural sound with meaning based on context, so I just invented my own word. Since this is technically not yet a valid word, please spread the literal word so that it can become an actual part of the English language. I'm probably dreaming a little too big here, but please bear with me nonetheless. Thank you in advance for the whole "grell" thing, and regular thank you for reading my fic!


End file.
